All posts by cbjlawfirm

First of all, right off the bat, I have to clear something up.  Being the bigger person does not mean letting someone bully you or walk all over you.  Being the bigger person means always doing the right thing, even if someone else is being childish.  Being the bigger person means keeping your eyes on the true goal and not getting distracted by the other person’s pettiness and bad behavior.

A long time ago, I was angry at something my ex did.  What he did is not important.  I was angry, and my anger was ruining my time with my friend.  My friend asked if my ex was acting the way he had always acted.  When I said that he was, my friend said that my ex wasn’t the one that had a problem.  I had a problem.  I still expected my ex to change his behavior, even though this is the way he has always acted.  I had to learn to change the way I reacted when my ex did something.

When you continue to allow your ex’s behavior to influence your behavior, they are controlling you.  You will continue to let their behavior influence your day.  You are no longer in a relationship with that person for a reason.  Stop letting their behavior and reactions control your day.

Don’t let their behavior control yours.  You can’t control how the other person acts, you can only control how you react to their behavior. Make the decision to act appropriately, regardless of how they act or react.  This is what I mean when I say, “Be the bigger person.”

The goal in a family law case is not to beat your ex or soon-to-be ex.  The goal in a family law case is to build the best future for you and your family.  Keep your eyes on that prize.  During your case, continue to “be the bigger person” and do what is right so the judge likes you best.  Freely give your attorney all the evidence and documentation they need to best represent you, so they are prepared. Disclose everything to the court that you are required to do, regardless of whether your ex or soon-to-be ex has.  Why?  By being the bigger person and complying with the rules of the court or the laws of your State,  the judge is more likely to believe your testimony and is more likely to do what you are asking for.  Having the judge do what you are asking for is winning your case, this is your goal, not ‘beating’ your ex or stooping down to their level.  Be the bigger person.

You must file a Domestic Relations Financial Affidavit (DRFA) in every family law case involving money before you can have a hearing on the issues in your case. This means if you are involved in a case involving divorce, child support, alimony, contempt of court order payments, or a request for attorney’s fees, you are going to have to sit down, look at your budget, and fill out a DRFA.So, what is a DRFA?  A Domestic Relations Financial Affidavit (or DRFA), is supposed to be an accurate description of your income and expenses. Click here to see what a DRFA looks like. It is not supposed to be a representation of what you should pay, and you shouldn’t manipulate your expenses so that it looks like you have a lot of expenses, less income, or a lot of disposable income.  There isn’t any goal with the financial affidavit other than to be as accurate as possible.

A DRFA is one of the most important forms you will fill out because a judge will use the figures you list on the DRFA form to decide all of the financial questions in your case. It is important that the figures in the DRFA are accurate so that the judge can understand your individual financial situation in determining issues such as child support, property division, alimony, and who is to pay attorney’s fees. Remember, the DRFA is an affidavit; it is signed under oath, and the opposing attorney can cross-examine you on what you write in the DRFA. If you don’t fill it out accurately, you can look like you are hiding something when you are confronted about it on cross-examination, which never goes over well with the judge. So, make sure you are honest!

If you have questions on how to complete a DRFA, call us and ask. We are happy to schedule a consultation to discuss your case.

Deciding that you want to divorce your spouse is a big step and one that involves a lot of soul-searching and heartache. Now that you’ve made that decision, one that has undoubtedly taken all of your mental processing for some time, what do you do?  How do you move forward?

A lot of people close to you will give you practical advice about the divorce process when they learn you are getting divorced, such as information-gathering strategies and schedules for your children.  This is not what you need to do first.

The first thing you need to work on letting the past go. Your decision to divorce your spouse took a lot of weighing your past against your future.  You’ve spent a lot of time reviewing the past: your past actions and your spouse’s past actions. However, in making the decision to divorce, you’ve decided that you want a new future.  A significant number of people get stuck in the past and let the past color their decisions as they try to shape their future through the divorce process. The most important first step you must take after you decide to divorce is letting the past go in order to build the better future you want.

When people get stuck carrying their past around, they focus on the things their spouse did wrong in the past: how they never spent time with the children before, how they never wanted to go to the children’s medical appointments before or be involved with the school.  They look at how they never wanted to save for retirement or go on vacations.  However, just because they were never interested in those activities before, doesn’t mean that they can’t be interested in those activities now. Once you decide you want to divorce, you have to let go of the past behavior of your spouse during the marriage. You’ve decided you want a new future.

The key is to not think about the past but think about your future and how you want your spouse to be with your children in the future.  Would you like your soon-to-be ex-spouse to help your children with their homework and projects? Would you like your soon-to-be ex-spouse to be active with your children’s extra-curricular activities?  Then, you have to let the past go and give your soon-to-be ex-spouse the time and the opportunity to develop the relationship you would like them to have with the children. Letting go in this way also gives you the chance to have friends again and have a life outside of your children.  (Obviously, this advice does NOT apply to situations of abuse or neglect. In those situations, you should protect your children above all else, as past behavior predicts future behavior in these grave instances). The time to focus on your future and your children’s future is now.  Give them the gift of having two involved parents, assuming your soon-to-be ex-spouse wants to take on that role.  Give yourself the gift of time alone, discovering (or rediscovering) hobbies you love, and spending time with your friends.

Keep your eyes on the future you want and make decisions in your divorce based on your best future, not the mistakes or shortcomings of your past.  When you search for an attorney to represent you, pick one that has the same goals in mind for you and can help you meet those goals.  When you’re ready to take that step, give our firm a call.

If you are reading my post, chances are someone you previously trusted enough to create a life with has done something significant enough that you are ending that relationship, or they have decided to end your relationship with them.  You are dealing with the death of a relationship: a marriage, a committed relationship with a significant other, a co-parenting relationship.  You need to find a therapist you like and see them regularly.  This is just as important as finding a good, experienced attorney that you trust.  Your attorney is your guide through the legal system.  Your therapist is there to help you move on from the death of this relationship.  As I have said many times before, your family law attorney is there to help you create the best future for yourself possible.  You can’t have your best future if you haven’t healed from your past and don’t know what you want out of your future.

The biggest reason that people come back to me after their initial proceeding (divorce, legitimation, paternity case, etc.) is because one party never moved on from that case.  One or both parties are still hanging on to anger and hurt feelings from things that happened before or during that first case.  Since they can’t move on, it colors all their interactions with the other party, and the parties make bad decisions that impact their children or their prior spouse/ partner, and those bad decisions cause further legal battles.

Making the decision to go to therapy is not an admission that you are the one who did something wrong or that something is wrong with you.  Making the decision to go to therapy is an admission that you need someone to talk to that can help you navigate through the emotional issues you are having.  Even when you have resolved your emotional issues, if the other person has not, it can be very difficult to know how to communicate with them.  Maybe the other person in your family law case has serious mental health issues.  Therapists can help identify the other person’s issues and teach you skills to cope with and effectively communicate with the other person.  Once you have worked through these issues, it is easier to focus on the logical resolutions to the dispute.  This is the area your attorney should excel in.

In family law litigation, it is important to be the bigger person, as this makes the best impression on the judge and other court personnel involved in your case. Many decisions are left to the judge’s “discretion;” this is a legal term that means that there isn’t a strict rule for how the judge should make a decision, and the judge has to use their best judgment to make a decision based on the evidence and conduct of the parties.  When you have consistently been the bigger person, you have a distinct advantage over the other party in your case. In order for this to be possible, you have to have resolved your emotional trauma.  Go find a therapist you like. A therapist is cheaper and more qualified than your attorney to help you deal with the emotional trauma of family law litigation.

There is nothing quite like getting a phone call from a client at four o’clock on a Friday, with a visitation issue that has to be dealt with before the weekend. I know that my clients have tried to work this issue out with the other parent before calling me, but in almost every situation, if the parties had started talking about the issue earlier in the week, it would not have turned into a four o’clock problem. You know that saying about the five P’s — Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance.

If you are co-parenting a child or children, start a process where you email the other parent regularly.
1. Send an email setting out the children’s upcoming events, and what you believe the parenting schedule for the week should be. If there is an upcoming holiday, start the conversation about that holiday’s parenting time early. You can also include concerns you have about the child and copies of receipts that you need to be reimbursed for in the same email.
2. If you receive one of these emails, take time to really think through the issues and questions asked. Don’t fire off an answer before you check your schedule, the Parenting Plan, or whatever necessary resource.
3. BE RESPECTFUL in your communication with the other parent. I know I need to do another post on this but be brief and business-like in your email. Use the same language and care with the email as you do when emailing your boss or your most important customer. And, most importantly, delay sending an email when you feel emotional or upset. Take a few hours (or a day, if needed) to revisit the email before sending it to make sure your communication is something you wouldn’t mind a judge reading.

You may also want to think about getting a shared calendar with the other parent or using the calendar options available to you already. I did some research on shared calendars recently, and the regular digital calendar you already use is probably your best resource Did you know you can send an invitation to another person for events you set on your calendar on your phone? When you set an appointment for your child on your calendar, check and see if you can send an invitation to the other parent to the event that way everyone has the same information at the same time.

In Gwinnett County, we have an Advanced Co-Parenting Course available to everyone. It is also something that parties in some cases get ordered to take. This course is a small group counseling session where you talk about your communication problems with the other parent, and the counselor advises you on how to make things better. The Advanced Co-Parenting Course recommends regular communication with the other parent in a calm and reasoned way. This class is a great resource for learning the best way to communicate with the other parent (even when they won’t communicate with you).

So, the simple answer really is to communicate respectfully and regularly with the other parent. Hopefully, it will prevent future problems.